Pringles – Sabor Jamon (HAM) & Cheetos – Pelotazos Futebolas (FUTEBOL SLUGS [?])

 

These are VERY elite LTO snacks because they are from Portugal. Probably also available in Spain, but I found through meticulous research (a quick Google) that you cannot find these anywhere else.

So the translation on these is what’s the best part.

Sabor Jamon means….flavor of ham? or ham flavor technically. It clearly has some ham hawks just swinging around which is pretty disgusting but I’d rather it be that and not an image of a cartoon pig.

The Cheetos Pelotazos Futebols were more difficult for me to translate because Pelotazo translated to ‘slug’ and ‘to blow/throw with a ball’ soooo it’s something like that. They are clearly little futebol shaped Cheetos.

Now let’s delve into the flavors, or should I say FLAVOURS of these.

Sabor Jamon: I was very nervous to try these because anything that has a meat flavor (that’s not actually meat) kind of freaks me out. BUT, these were actually really good. They were basically barbecue flavored chips, but a lot smokier. Also much saltier than any other chip I’ve really had. These were consumed in 2 nights, 2 drunken nights, in the Azores. I think they were a hit. Atleast between lovely Panico and I.  I really, really wish they sold these in the US, but I’m sure there is something similar or identical with a different name. Please help a girl out if you can locate such an item!

Pelotazos Futebolas: I just love saying this one. I like to get extremely risky when I go on vacation, like eat cheese-based products like this one. However these were not really that cheesy. They weren’t much like regular Cheetos at all. They are kind of like cereal puffs, with yet another smoky barbecue flavor. I think the smoky bacon and barbecue flavor dominates Portugal. My friends and I did go to a meat volcano after all. I could explain this further, but I won’t. Just let your mind wander and be slightly weirded out. I did like these too, because they were like a solid crunchy ball of cornmeal. I liked the futebol shape, or stencil-type design on these, but I think it’s just lines of barbecue dusting. I wish these were in the US too!!

These were worth it, and I’m glad I didn’t get crazy with the chocolate in Portugal, and I took a different route with the chips. I like International chocolate but to be honest they are much easier to find in the US than these kinds of snacks above.

I don’t have anything else funny to add, except this GIF of a skeleton eating Cheetos with chopsticks because A.) yesterday was Halloween, and B.) it looks like it’s falling all on the floor instead of into the skeleton’s rib cage. If you know me, you know that I make a complete mess when eating chips of ANY SHAPE, FORM, OR KIND.

 

cheetos skeleton

 

 

 

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These Oreos Will Not Make You SnOREO

What a backlogged collection of Oreos i have here!!! I was honestly feeling so overwhelmed about this, and afraid another Oreo was going to be released and I’d be drowning in crumbs and blog defeat. So I put Game of Thrones on the back burner, and I’m here to review this whole Oreo family. Some of the fam members are thin, some have jelly, some are hopped up on caffeine, some are traditional, some are cheesy, and some are buttery and weird.

Sounds dysfunctional right? Family is family!!

Oreo Thins – Salted Caramel and Coconut: I would consider these both like the types of cookies a little old Grandma would like. Delicate little wafer things that would go well with tea. I liked both of these equally! The salted caramel was a perfect combination of salty and sweet. Caramel is one of the strongest and I’d bet most used ingredient in all of the crazy Oreos. The coconut one was also so good, except i’d almost prefer it to be not a Thin but a regular Oreo with a little more meat on its bones. Kind of gross to think of meat and Oreos but OMG I could see that frightening flavor coming in the near future, and would I try it? YES.

Dunkin Donuts Mocha Oreos: I think my top 3rd favorite behind Blueberry Pie Oreos and Candy Cane Oreos. These have I think the perfect Dunkin Mocha flavor, which means it’s not even really a coffee flavor. It’s heavy on the chocolate and has a faint coffee flavor, kind of like a coffee flavored ice cream. Not bad at all but definitely much sweeter. The Dunkin Donuts Mocha Latte Pop Tarts have more of that strong coffee flavor, so if thats the flavor you’re looking for don’t worry – junkfood exists in pretty much any form imaginable.

Peanut Butter and Jelly Oreos: These taste exactly like a peanut butter sandwich, and mostly in the sense that you can taste the crust, sort of. Pretty strange but not awful! But in my HUMBLE opinion, I did not love these. The peanut butter was more of a musty artificial peanut butter flavor. Think like mothball-esque. It gave me a headache. It also was not like the flavor and texture that is in the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Oreos, because that one was amazing. Probably because it was real Reese’s peanut butter, and here they just used some budget fake version! The jelly part of this cookie was worth it. I would eat just that half of this. The majority of people that tried these liked it a lot so still worth trying. But also, these bad larries:

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I think they are still out! Please buy and try!

Jelly Donut Oreos: 

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You literally are not ready!!!

These were my favorite of all the above! They were sugary just like the outside of a jelly donut, and the jelly tasted like real jelly. My only bad critique is that it’s not enough jelly, it’s just a small little dot in the center of regular creme. Overall still amazing and wasn’t too sweet or intense. THEY ARE BOOTYLICIOUS

Strawberry Cheesecake Oreos – Found in the Azores, Portugal: These are not an LTO, but something just exclusive to other countries. I love strawberry flavored things… but this was not amazing. The strawberry creme was like a strawberry Nesquik flavor. When me and the gals tried them I kept blurting out “These taste rancid! rancid like old cheesecake” I’m just sensitive to dairy – sue me!! I think others really liked them. I also find it funny that the packaging is a sleeve. I honestly thought that back in the day Oreos came in a white plastic sleeve sort of like Saltines do. I was told I was wrong. I do think Chips A’hoy cookies used to be like that? I’ll do more research on this.

Apple Pie Oreos: Holy-hurt-your-teeth-you-traditional-baked-good-son-of-a-b!tch!! Sorry, aggressive, but it’s the only way I could get my point across. These taste exactly like an apple pie, but soooooooooo insanely sweet. I ate two and the sugary sweetness drilled right up to my brain I swear. One Apple Pie Oreo a day will not keep diabetes away.

Cookie Butter Oreos: Talk about random AF!! I think cookie butter is the last thing I think about. I have a hard time even nailing down what it is, except that it is basically pureed Biscoff cookies, which are those semi-OK tasting cookies you get on an airplane. Shout out to Delta I believe. Very cinnamony, maybe gingerbready. I had my good friend Panico weigh in heavily on this flavor profile. She was not sure if the innards of this Oreo was straight up cookie BUTTER, like the actual spread, or if it was cookie butter flavored creme. Oreos typically have that stiff, Playdoh like creme. But this is very mushy and even melty when in a warm temperature. My biggest point of contention with this is that the inside tastes exactly like the outside. It is a cookie flavored cookie. The whole thing just tastes like a Biscoff cookie but with a mushy inside. It is mostly just cinnamon. It did not WOW me but it did not hurt me. I’m disappointed that they chose this as an LTO flavor! Not unique enough. This cookie can go Biscoff itself!!!

Well this concludes my Oreo analytics. This was a lot of infOREOmation to take in all at once!! I hope I did not bOREO you!!

I hope Weird Al Yankovic discovers this blog. I feel like he would get me.

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he’s even holding donuts! I knew it.

 

 

Dunkin’ Donuts – S’mores Donut and Chocolate Drizzled Strawberry Croissant Donut

Are you lazy? Are you lazy, but have the interest and pallete that is curious to have a trendy, hipstery, Instagram-worthy, possibly even vegan or gluten-free, donut? But you don’t want to drive to the city and circle around for street parking or risk getting a ticket, and you are doing this because you don’t have a 10 speed bicycle like the rest of the hipster group hunting those types of donuts down??

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Well, look no further than the Dunkin Donuts that is across the street from you right now. Which is around the corner from another Dunkin’s, and then that Dunkin’s is next to a gas station that has a mini Dunkin’s inside of it.

I hope you are all catching my drift here. I guess I am excited that this is my first DONUT review!!!! I’ve eaten a lot of manufactured crap, and donuts are not my favorite, but anything this elaborate and remarkable that’s sold at a chain store, is right in my wheely wheelhouse.

S’mores Donut: Pretty incredible my friends. My problem was getting this at nighttime and it was clearly in the stale stage of its life. However it still tasted good and had quite the complex grouping of ingredients and flavors. It’s chocolate frosted, with mini marshmallows, pieces of graham cracker, and small Hershey’s square pieces. The marshmallow are exactly those in a Swiss Miss hot chocolate packet, but it does no harm. The graham pieces were different than a regular Honeymaid Graham cracker, they were more like cookie pieces. Also tasted good! The extra chocolate pieces add some texture but mostly blends in with the chocolate frosting. Lastly, this beast is filled with marshmallow ‘creme’ but I really think it’s pure marshmallow, just a lot thinner and meltier. So nothin’ bad about nothin’! Does it emulate an actual S’more? No. Because it’s too soft and an actual S’more snaps in half and makes a mess. I still think this is executed well!

Chocolate Drizzle Strawberry Croissant Donut: Well the photo is horrific. Anything with strawberry jelly usually looks like a murder scene. This donut DID murder the FLAVOR THO!! Sorry but yes truly this does taste very good. The original Croissant Donut came out about 2 years ago, and it’s a pretty good creation. It is the hybrid of a flaky croissant, and a slightly heavier glazed donut. The chocolate drizzle on this was just enough, however it tastes very artificial. Not like the original chocolate frosting Dunkins normally uses, so maybe it is just some flimsy tube they had off to the side, used on some of their fancy coffees. Which probably isn’t used often because let’s be real here, Dunkins drinkers aren’t very fancy to begin with.

Remember this a$$hole?

casey dunkins

But I will say, this specific donut is very fancy when you think about it. The strawberry jelly inside was good. I think the whole thing worked! There was an ORIGINAL version a year or two ago, the Strawberry Shortcake Croissant Donut:

Strawberry-Shortcake-Croissant-Donut

I had this and remember it being good, but the strawberry frosting on it was a little TOO much. There was a filling but I can’t remember what it was. This was before i cared so dearly about the LTO world and present me is kicking past me! Both extremely sticky but that’s just how these donuts go!

Donuts are the bicycle wheels of the stomache. That honestly makes no sense. But what i’m trying to do is relate it back to Hipsters on their bicycles, trying to find the coolest most obscure donuts.

We don’t even need that lifestyle to appreciate a donut. This original gangsta REALLY appreciated donuts, and he would be perfectly OK with a donut from Dunkins. He didn’t need to wear skinny jeans! And he couldn’t even if he wanted to.

homer simp

 

All-in-All, these two donuts were probably my favorite besides the Candy Cane one that rolled out and will hopefully roll out again this Christmas.

 

 

 

Pop Tarts: Jolly Rancher Watermelon and Green Apple

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Why do people like sour things? Because people like to be weird. They like to be risky and want to be into things they shouldn’t be into, like extremely hot buffalo sauce or Sour Patch Kids. Yes, they both taste good (enough) and people enjoy eating them, but it’s only after so many initial attempts of convincing yourself it’s good? I guess?

After eating a fairly decent amount of ‘weird’ junkfood, this is pretty much the story for me with these Pop Tarts. My tastebuds are conditioned to now even state “I mean it’s not terrible….” or “I don’t hate it”…. or “I’m not mad at it…” – wait that phrase actually belongs to Susan. >;-)

Back to my point of being weird; I hope you people that are reading this (all 4 of you) remember this very important, random, historical moment of pop(tart) TV culture.

Uncle Joey – you are the weirdest of them all. and Uncle Jesse – you are kind of a narcissistic jerk. But you two were a team.

Let’s review this Pop Tart experiment that I can’t even remember why they fit it into the episode in the first place, but present-day me is thanking the stars that they did:

 

I appreciate this on so many levels. Joey is just randomly whipping up a batch of Flounder Tarts, and Jesse is in the middle of lecturing Michelle like the P.O.S. Uncle that he is (sorry – I don’t mind John Stamos, but Uncle Jesse I do mind. It’s taken me until my adult life to get to this conclusion). Uncle Jesse just helps himself to what he thinks is a regular Pop Tart and then SURPRISE!! YOU’RE AN IDIOT!!!

Enough of that, let’s get Jolly on this Ranch!! (Uncle Joey would find that funny – come at me bro!!)

Jolly Rancher Watermelon Pop Tarts: I instantly assumed they would be exactly like the orignal Watermelon Pop Tarts, which I’ve had, and liked surprisingly a lot.

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The original Watermelon Pop Tarts had this crazy cooling aspect to them. The filling was refreshing and cooling almost like how a toothpaste can be. So I’m convinced there’s toothpaste in these but it can’t be any worse than the other ingredients. The Jolly Rancher Watermelon Pop Tarts replace that cool aspect with a lot of acidic sourness. The flavors I remember were similar, but the JRanchers also contained much more of that fruity chemical ingredient that actual Jolly Rancher candies have. I thought Jolly Ranchers contained pectin, which is that gross thickening and sticky agent found in cough-drops, but they don’t! Just malic acid and a whole lot of sugar. These Pop Tarts are that, and heavy on the watermelon flavor. The more I write about it the more lightheaded I get.

Jolly Rancher Green Apple Pop Tarts:   :-*   Is that emoticon good enough to describe the feelz? It’s not supposed to be a kissy face it’s supposed to be a ‘holy crap sour pucker wtf’ face. What the PUCKer!! Hah so these are REALLY sour. I am probably being overdramatic, but definitely in comparison to the Watermelon. They taste exactly like the Green Apple Jolly Ranchers. I can’t really mess around with this one because it was too powerful. It kicks you right in the teeth. How would this be enjoyable? I know two people that preferred these over the Watermelon, which I find interesting.

Something to be said about both of them is that Pop Tarts accomplished what they set out to do. Make Pop Tarts that taste like the Jolly Ranchers. They made a Cherry one which I could not find, but I’d still be interested to try. The strangest thing is these intense sour flavors paired with the extremely dry, bland, pop tart pastry part. I think that is what makes the sour notes jump right at you – they are bouncing off a piece of drywall.

I know a lot of you are saying “Hey, can we see another Full House reference??” why YES. OF COURSE YOU CAN.

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Uncle Joey really got that drywall aspect wrong. If he just stopped being a clown for five seconds, he would have made these Flounder Tarts the right way and there would not have been this ridiculous splattering. It’s embarrassing. And Uncle Jesse – you are still a rude greasy snake and it’s not the family’s fault that your band sucks and you do OIKOS commercials now.

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That concludes this Sour review – I legitimately got all sour and salty about Uncle Jesse!!

I’m curious, as always, to see what flavor Pop Tarts will make next. I’m crossing my fingers for a Mint Chocolate Chip. If they’ve put toothpaste into a Pop Tart before, they can do it again.

you got it dude

 

Flavors of America!!

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Georgia – Honey Roasted Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup

New York – Cherry Cheesecake Bar

California – Strawberry KitKat

Texas – BBQ PAYDAY

Massachusetts – Clam Chowda M&M’s 

Vermont – Tie-Dye Marijuana Twizzlers

Two of these aren’t pictured above. Couldn’t find them…… but anyway, what better time to do the Flavors of America Candy Review than right after the wonderful weekend where we celebrate AMERICA in all its glory!!

Have you ever walked into CVS, Rite Aid, Walgreen’s, or a similar Pharmacy and stared at the bottom row of candy below the registers and just thought “What boring choice am I going to make today? This is the same crap I’ve been staring at for years…’ and also forced to make a game-time decision on before it’s your turn to get checked out.

Well I have. I think about that all the time.

Except last month, when I saw these very limited ediSH and United States devoted candies. They were actually shoved into one of those cardboard advertisement structures very sloppily, and the Hershey’s Cherry Cheesecake bar was actually broken in half. I was sad because they were clearly spin-offs of the regular old candy bars, and NOBODY NOTICED. OR CARED.

Oh well. Land of the free, and people are free to not buy these. – But that’s a mistake.

Georgia – Honey Roasted Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup: Not that different than a regular one. I tasted a hint of honey. It actually tasted a little musty, like the inside of an old suitcase with mothballs. DELICIOUS! Yeah not too much else to say. I guess it tasted less salty than a regular Reese’s, because the honey sweetened it right up. It was fine!

New York – Cherry Cheesecake Bar: This tasted like wax. Like a waxy, fruity, slab of buttery nonsense. Yeah, I said it. It was heavily white chocolate so probably why I wasn’t a fan, but I did know what I was getting into. The cherry flavor was very fake tasting, and not very complimentary to the white chocolate. There were little ‘niblets’ (that’s what we will call them) of the cherry flavor, and I’m assuming they just copied what the Hershey’s Cookies n’ Creme bar does, with those Oreo ‘niblets’. Nice try NY!

California – Strawberry KitKat: Second favorite! The strawberry flavor was pretty good. As good as artificial strawberry gets. It is definitely a white chocolate enrobed (proud to use this ridiculous word!) in strawberry, but the white chocolate was washed away by a nice strawberry flavor. It paired very well with the KitKat wafer, and it tasted like a better version of those Keebler Strawberry Sugar Wafers, because they weren’t as dry or as sour. This is something I would eat again.

Texas – BBQ PAYDAY: My favorite of the whole bunch. I know, it seems like the most disgusting, but I beg to differ y’all. I’m assuming that people eat the regular PAYDAY candy like, never, so let me just explain here. A PAYDAY is just peanuts and caramel. No chocolate, and not very sweet in nature. It’s always been salty. Well this BBQ PAYDAY is the same thing, but the peanuts are dusted with a roasted barbecue flavoring. I’m telling you, it works. It’s very savory and not any different than if you got a peanut trail mix that has those spicy wasabi sticks. The problem is you can’t eat an entire PAYDAY in one sitting because it’s like eating a brick. I was most excited about this Texas one because it was the most unique and actually succeeded!

Texas can succeed with junk food, but can’t secede as a state…… cue the fireworks and I’m out of here – boom Bye

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Oreos – Waffles & Syrup, Firework, and Key Lime Pie

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Oreos – you are literally having the time of your LIFE! / lives. Cookies don’t have lives, but it’s hard not to look at all of their flavors recently and think ‘Wow, you are having an identity crisis.’ You’re dying yourself different colors and wearing sparkly outfits and covering yourself in maple syrup.

 

.britney crying

I mean, what other celebrity comes to mind? Okay maybe Amanda Bynes, but Britney had her legendary disaster moment – equivalent to legendary Oreos (and whatever they’re going through right now). Amanda Bynes is like a millenial disaster – equivalent to Fidget Spinners, and whatever those deals are.

Let’s start Worst to Best this time! Let’s just get CrAzY.

Key Lime Pie: You need to CHILL OUT. These came out last year, and had a much lighter flavor. It was like a lime ‘essence’ and it was pretty subtle and tasted fairly good. The graham cracker wafer was an obvious choice. Something happened this year though with the second launch, and that something was not good. These had such an INTENSE lime flavor. It was like the sour powder that’s in Baby Bottle Pops. I think what was lacking was more of a vanilla flavor that would have calmed it down. But maybe they wanted to make them more citrusy especially after whatever feedback they received last year. Key Lime Die.

Firework: ~*~ Extremely impressed!!~*~ I expected these to just be regular Oreos that were speckled with little red and blue dots, a which served no purpose. But they are actual pieces of Pop Rocks and after a few seconds, you can feel the weird popping sensation all around your skull. I think they came out a little too early; May instead of July for the 4th. These were pretty good for the novelty of it and the funny weird feeling, but eating a lot of them would be unenjoyable. I should have lit one on fire to see if it would explode. Good thing there’s still the actual 4th of July coming up…….

Waffles & Syrup: One of the best tasting cookies of all time. And I really mean this. To me, it tastes just like a waffle with maple syrup. Luckily I find that as a great tasting food. Some people might think these are too sugary-sweet. It’s an overall vanilla base, but the maple syrup flavor is definitely there. I really hope these stick around as a more permanent flavor, but it’s a little too specialized that it might not last. A dream would be eating a real waffle with syrup, and these Oreos are crumbled on top. DREAM BREAKFAST – JUST SAYIN’.

These Oreos were all pretty different and worthy enough for you to try.

She’s had her ups and downs, but she says it best…

toxic spears

 

OREOS TRULY ARE ADDICTING AND TOXIC.

But they are vegan so

britney happy

 

 

 

Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

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This terrible and unethical idea took place in Nashville, TN. Not the actual Cheeto brand, or even idea for flavor, but I am slapping my own wrists for this decision.

Why?

Because I don’t even like spicy/hot flavors.

I also SHOULDN’T be eating cheese.

But I do it for the blog!! And when you end up walking to a gas station after some drinks with your friends, everyone has very specific hopes and dreams of drunk munchies.

I believe this was the 8th item I picked off the shelf. Yes, 8th. My problem is making decisions, but also thinking ahead, so there was even a blueberry granola bar in the mix that I was “going to eat for breakfast the next day”… but that didn’t happen, because all breakfasts in Nashville evolved into 12pm brunches at a deep-fried restaurant. It was great!!

So, these are not necessarily an LTO and they have been out for a while now. But I saw these and thought ‘HEY! I’ve seen these, and eff it, I’m gonna just get them.’ Afterall, the LTO/junkfood world must have a Flamin’ Hot hint of YOLO.

What did they taste like?

Hot sauce mixed with cheese powder. That’s really it, and all one can expect by the looks of them.

They are also SO red that it’s pretty alarming (and what do ya know – alarms are usually red…) and the classic Cheeto cheese powder that remains on your hands is nothing compared to these angry looking caveman clubs (I’ve always thought Cheetos looked like caveman clubs…like whatever Fred Flinstone carried around…). You can see it in the photo above, plus I opened the bag upside down because I open everything like it’s the last thing I will ever eat.

What makes me laugh is that plenty of junkfood products contain Red Dye 40 in them, but when they made these Cheetos, they must have used so much of it that the Oscar red carpet is going to look a little dull this year…

 

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Whoopsy doodle!

Side Note – Cheese Doodles are Cheetos puffier older brother.

Side Side Note – Jennifer Lawrence also loves Cheetos, and ruined her white wardrobe in American Hustle because she ate so many of them.

In summary, these were so hot they made me have that sweaty fainty feeling, and a runny nose. I am definitely just a wimp but it’s definitely how I felt, and maybe even you if you try them.

The hotness of these took away from the cheesy flavor, which I was so looking forward to. I did however make up for that by eating 3 pieces of dishrag pizza promptly after trying a few chomps of these Cheetos, and wanted to jump out the window the next day.

People want what they can’t have!!

 

What a cheesy post this was, I should burn it.

 

flameguy

 

 

 

M&M’s – Caramel

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False……Advertising…..

At least with the image on the package!

The snarky Red M&M, and the dumb-as-bricks Yellow M&M, are tearing one in half like it’s some sort of Kraft grilled cheese sandwich. You all know exactly what I am talking about;

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And this is totally unfair. Not only because I can’t really eat cheese but because these Caramel M&Ms just don’t maneuver as such.

As you can see in my image above (which was very hard and hard to do; I almost took a finger off with the knife, but clearly did not as I sit and type here today!) the interior of these Caramel M&M’s is a hard, rock solid, and glass-like caramel.

It resembled that of a Werther’s Original hard candy. The only thing Original about Werther’s Original is that they are the Original Jawbreaker.

Another strong and more accurate comparison is to Rolos. Exhibit B:

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I somehow got a hold of a Rolo at work the SAME day I tried these M&Ms (#fate) and sliced it open on top of a Post-It note.

The Caramel M&M’s were so much like a Rolo, except the M&M shell gets stuck within the chewy caramel, so it’s like shards of glass mixed with some bubblegum.

If you really want to live on the edge, eat bubblegum with glass OR just these M&M’s.

I was quite dissapointed! I think just the expected texture got me so excited, and then it was a huge let down. Wompitty Womp.

Maybe in the future they will figure out a LIQUID ELIXIR or some

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that can only be created by

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My favorite M&M’s still continue to be Mint ($$$)IMG_8719

Back in the Day Junk Buffet

I had to dust off these candy bars a little bit when I bought them at CVS. Kinda sad that they are fully recognized as the reject candy, or maybe not even recognized at all by the #millenials of today.

These are obviously not LTOs, but I’ve never had them before, so I wanted to see what these antique sugary confections were all about. Do they have more or less artificial ingredients? Do old people still eat them or do their dentures fall out?

All good things to think about, but I didn’t read the ingredient labels or go to a nursing home to interview old geezers because i’m lazy and also fit into that millenial category.

Whatevz yo, let’s dive into these old bad larries:

Chunky: First of all, great name. They either named it this because of the chunky square shape, or because it will infact make your body what it’s set out to do. Second of all, it had raisins in it. That’s a hard pass right there. All it is is chocolate, nuts, and raisins. This honestly makes me feel like these were created during the Great Depression, because i felt fully depressed when I realized what it was.

This was an awful candy bar because the raisins made me feel like I couldn’t digest it. I do like that it’s made so you can break off a TEENY square and then say ‘I’m done here’. They should have just named it a ‘Crappy’ instead of a ‘Chunky’.

Here is one of their old commercials that rips off the song ‘My Boyfriend’s Back’. It’s pretty bad!

5th Avenue: The original Butterfinger. It tastes more like actual peanuts though, and is less orange. It still has the same cement-like, binding, and flaky grand canyon features that a Butterfinger has. I didn’t mind this, but the chewyness and fact that it gets stuck in your teeth was a nuisance. I’m not sure why it’s called a 5th Avenue. Is it supposed to be fancy and for rich people? Because you can’t shop on 5th Avenue and eat candy bars like this. It would be a candy bar made out of caviar and ground up diamonds.

Here is an old 5th Avenue commercial and John Travolta looks sooooo different…… :

 

Whatchamacallit: Did I spell it right? More like Whatapainintheass! Well this was just fine. Like a fine candy bar. It was good but not amazing. It’s just crispy puffy rice in chocolate. I appreciate candy bars that are light, and don’t sit in your stomache like a brick. People just want to satisfy their sweet tooth with a quick fix, not build a house in their bowels. Sorry to be so explicit but the body works in mysterious ways! And junkfood just makes it that much more exciting….

Here us the Whatchamacallit commercial and now everytime I see a Whatchamacallit in stores I sing it like this lady does:

 

And then it awkwardly ends, just like this post.

EXCEPT! I found some new sort of spin-off of the Whatchamacallit.  Behold, Snickers Crisper:

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It was TOP NOTCH. Not a heavy brick.

Please give all these candy bars a chance before they are fully extinct.

 

Hostess Ice Cream – Sno Balls, Ding Dongs, Twinkies

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I am staring at this photo and realized I have been using the term ‘ding dong’ as an insult for probably the past 10 years of my life. I say this word with much more frequency than the average human – I think it’s a perfectly acceptable diss word.

“You’re a straight up DING DONG…” / “You’re such a friggin’ YODEL…” so on and so forth. I learned it from my Dad. But I choose not to throw around “You Ho-Ho” because that would just be crossing the line.

So as some of you may know, I am ANTI-LACTOSE! But not by choice. So I did not actually try these ice creams, but burdened it upon my friends. I know, what kind of an evil monster would do that?? 🙂

You do have to hand it to Hostess for doing something like this, I guess. To my knowledge, they have never done ice cream products before and it’s taken them THIS LONG. I guess it’s a totally different ballgame that I would know nothing about.

These here are of the ‘novelty variety’, because they also made regular cartons of solid ice cream in the same flavors as well. These were all I could find, and I spent way too much money on something I wasn’t even going to taste. #DoItForTheBlog #MadRespect

Reviews, as told by my friends ( I literally took hand written notes while they tried these on a Saturday night ) because I am WAY IN OVER MY HEAD

Sno Balls: Recognized as one of the worst alien snack cakes that landed on this planet. It’s a fact, proven by the government. The original item is a chocolate cake ball with a thin layer of squishy marshmallow covered in pink coconut flakes. Sounds like a terrible accident, right? My friends reported this as having no cake texture inside, just chocolate ice cream. It also resembled a strawberry shortcake ice cream bar, which it probably is but then got jazzed up with all this extra shit. The coconut flakes on the outside were strong enough to leave a SLIGHT coconut flavor.

Ding Dongs: Okay, my handwriting for these is absolute crap but I have written down: ‘powdery’, ‘milk’, ‘cement’, ‘bready double layer’, ‘no good’. If that doesn’t describe it then I’m not sure what other synonyms would. This was deemed as the least favorite out of the three. Ding Dongs can truly be a dry desert dessert (#spelling lolz), along with Devil Dogs and Yodels. So they at least got that connection down with their ‘bready double layer’ technique. But for ice cream? Shameful.

Twinkies: Original Twinkies = BAD. Twinkies ice cream = WIN. Probably because this had no sponge-like ingredient at all, which was a smart choice. This icecream was also the fanciest of the bunch, because it had a waffle cone, and was designed like a Drumstick (and everyone loves a Drumstick, it’s a lower class Magnum bar I guess). The flavoring is like a vanilla birthday cake, but also very much a Twinkie flavor. Twinkie flavor isn’t bad, but the whole thing is just odd, as legendary as it is. Something strange about the Twinkies ice cream is that there is a thin chocolate dipped layer at the top of the cone. Twinkies have no chocolate, so like WTF is this. This makes me believe that they really did hijack a Drumstick and said “Just put yellow ice cream on top.” Whatever, it still worked out. This was the favorite out of the three.

These ice creams were not meant to be delicious gourmet dairy confections. They are just gimmicky versions of iconic past-time snack cakes. So it makes sense that they are a little…… boring.

What would have been the best idea is an ice cream FUNNY BONE. Those are insane.

Something I keep forgetting is that some of these snack-cakes I mentioned are not even Hostess brand, they are created by the Drake’s brand. Take a gander:

yodels

devil-dogs-box.jpg

funny-bones-box

 

But really the only Drake Cakes I mostly appreciate are these:

 

drake1

drake 3

drake 2

drake 4

 

What a time to be alive!!